no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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