So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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