I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
