So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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