The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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