Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
They are going to name an STD after you.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
