At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Randomize
