tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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