Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
