Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
