You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
