Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
