if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
At least make sure they are 18
Why
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
