I faked an abortion last night.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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