i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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