note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
