I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
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