Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
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It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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