Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
