I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
zippers are such a cool invention
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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