the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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