I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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