Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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