Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
