I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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