He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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