i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
