How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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