Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
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I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
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The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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