Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
