Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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