I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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