the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
