Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
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