I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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