If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
