bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
