I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
