im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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