im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
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I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
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Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.