my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
