I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I touched a dick in church today
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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