just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
