Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize