I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
