just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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