i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
