you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
