he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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