new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
