His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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