Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
