Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
