took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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