So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
