I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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