Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you would pick up someone in the library
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
